Twas the month before Christmas
When all through my blog
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a groundhog
The mailmen were stalked by the box with a glare
In hopes that Sidewinder’s bauble soon would be there…
Our story starts a long, long time ago (or at least it feels that way, in my gay opinion) when our hero, The Collector Of All Things Diva, would roam the land searching high and low for any piece of merch touched by the hand of a Diva. Book signings! Concert meet and greets! Fan conventions! When the pandemic hit and darkness ruled the land, The Collector had to resort to trolling Ye Ol’ Internet for autographed merch. Some divas completely dropped the ball never sending their wares. Some stepped up with cool signed goods and little add-ons. However, this is the story of the Diva who went over and beyond her Diva Duties (being glorious and musically inclined) and restored The Collector’s faith in all things fabulous.
The saga began innocently enough when Holiday Sidewinder was selling off her last three autographed Tra$h Can Luv posters that had toured the world with her. The Collector ordered one, having not seen The Diva live, this would be a memory of fun experiences of the past and hope for the future. The mailing tube arrived but the poster did not. The Diva graciously agreed to send a personalized post card for The Collector’s archive to make up for The Postal Elves’ error. The Collector, now skeptical of the postal system, began having scans of his arriving mail sent to his email. The Collector was alerted that the postcard was arriving and got to digitally see it, but once again, it disappeared into the bowels of the postal service. We can put a man on the moon (Conspiracy Theorists, don’t email me, I’m one of “those” people who also believes the Earth is round) but the Post Office can’t get a postcard from Cyprus to the United States.
The Collector was disgruntled with The Postal Elves but wouldn’t give up his quest. When The Diva announced she was creating thirty limited-edition autographed Holiday Baubles, The Collector didn’t hesitate to click the buy button. The Bauble came with tracking so The Collector would not be thwarted this time. The day of arrival came and The Collector was poised at the door to pounce the moment that little blue and white truck appeared. The Postal Elf came and went and The Collector ran outside to find an empty mail box. The Collector’s eye began to twitch and he went from happy-and-gay to ready-to-lose-his-shit in a beat of his cold heart.
The Postal Elf had only made it ten steps towards the next house before The Collector started yelling, “EXCUSE ME! MR. MAILMAN! THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PACKAGE FOR ME!” The Elf checked his little handheld device which was probably just checkiing where his Uber Eats order was. “You’re right, it was too big to fit in my satchel. I will finish my deliveries and bring it back.” The Collector knew this was BS because it’s a Christmas ornament, not a whole Christmas tree, and he knew better than to trust any man who claimed his package was too big. However, The Collector ate his words when The Elf did indeed deliver his adequately-sized package a short while later.
The Bauble was everything The Collector hoped and more. Nestled in the white packing peanuts was the gold signed plastic Christmas ornament that contained a photo of The Diva with all the treasures promised. The Wise Men brought gold, frankincense and myrrh but The Collector would much rather have The Diva’s “gold dust for decadence, white feathers of an angel for protection, wood slices for strength and growth, poker chips and mini playing cards for luck and prosperity, a white dove for peace and love, a bell to mark beginnings and endings as well as music, and all wrapped up in a pink satin bow for kindness and memories”. Not only did The Diva send her bauble, she included a personalized Christmas card with her festive face, cheeky Holiday-wear and a hand-written note. Santa came early this year… and so did The Collector because of such an amazing piece of diva merch.
At the time of this post, there were still limited-edition baubles available here.
